This too, shall pass

When I was young, I used to be very stubborn and choosy. I wanted what I wanted and I must have that only. Well, life teaches you a lot of lessons, one of them being, just take what you have and be thankful for it. Right now I'm in a "take a deep breath, this too, shall pass" phase. The eternal optimist in me never ceases to say that happy days are just round the corner. Not like I'm in the depths of sadness right now, but still, I would really like to get out of this situation. Its a good thing that it has a date on it, keeps me from going crazy.

Life also teaches you a lot about friends. And the different varieties that exist. Growing up in a girls' school, I have met a fair share of them. This also means I can handle the best and the worst of them. Right now, these skills are severly tested with the arrival of two new females who will stay in our apartment once my flatmate and I vacate. So how am I reacting to these changes? Well, I am, with all my life lessons and maturity, taking a deep breath and just telling myself that it is only for a few more days. Then all of this will be over. I will pack my bags and go home (the thought of it makes me so happy). I will be free. I thought I would be angry, but I've realised that I don't care anymore. What they do, what they say, the adjustments I have to make, it doesn't matter.

This serenity in me is a good thing I guess. It has made me a lot calmer on the outside. Or maybe I am a bubbling volcano just filling up with lava and waiting to burst. If that happens, I will definitely write about it. Such situations also bring out the worst in people, which I have been privileged to experience first-hand. Turns out it is for the good, now I know I won't trust such people anymore. Another one of life's lessons.

Book Review: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Author: Stieg Larsson
Publisher: Quercus Publishing
Rating: 5/5 
Buy Here

So, I've got lots of free time on my hands now, and I thought what better thing to do than review books that I've read! I used to do this before, but it was more casual then. Not that I'm attempting anything professional this time, but I'd like to think that I am doing something worthwhile. Also, this keeps me busy in office.

Anyway, back to the book. This was first published in Sweden in 2005 under the Swedish name "Men who hate women". This is the first book in the Millenium series trilogy, the other two being "The Girl Who Played With Fire" and "The Girl Who Kicked the
Hornet's Nest".

The first book in the series is about a Swedish journalist Mikael Blomkvist, who is the publisher of Millenium, a political magazine (quite like Stieg's own "Expo"). Without giving too much away, it starts with him losing a libel case against a prominent businessman. Then, an opportunity arrives where he is offered to solve the case of a disappearing girl in return for revenge against the said businessman. The girl who vanished is Harriet Vanger, the great-niece of industralist Henrik Vanger, who employs Mikael to find her. Midway through the investigation, he is assisted by Lisbeth Salander, a computer hacker. She had done the background check on him for Henrik, and is called again to work on the case with Mikael.

After a slow start, the book picks up pace when Mikael takes over the case for Vanger. As he investigates, he realises that this is more than just the case of a disappearing girl. As the Swedish title suggests, it focusses on the horrendous crimes that men have inflicted on women over the years in the name of religion. The female protagonist, Lisbeth Salander herself is not spared the violence and abuse. Stieg Larsson himself has been fighting against neo-nazis all his life, a sentiment which is clearly reflected in the book.

My favourite character is undoubtedly Lisbeth Salander, the quirky "hacker", who manages to break into any computer very easily. Not much is known about her past except that despite being an adult, she has a guardian appointed by the social services due to her turbulent childhood. What I liked the most was her ability to fight back in all circumstances. She is shown as a very cold person, devoid of any feelings for anybody, mostly due to her distrust of adults. However, she learns to trust Mikael slowly, maybe because he treats her like an adult unlike others. She gives a distinct impression of being unsocial, detached from others, and of having a dark past which she would like to keep hidden from everyone.

This installment in the series is primarily about the Vanger case, and how it brings the protagonists together. At the end of it, you are left with a feeling that you want to know more about what happens between Mikael and Lisbeth. A great thriller, it keeps you gripped till the end, even after the case has been solved, when Lisbeth demonstrates her best hacking and conning skills.

Cooking: Lazy Girl's Tomato Pasta (Indian Style)

Well I'm no cook, but living away from home teaches you these things. My cook has decided to cook pathetic food until we raise her salary (which won't happen) so there are times when I resort to making something on my own. This is a much simpler version of the traditional Tomato and Basil pasta, made the Indian way. The best part is that it takes only 10 minutes to make. I don't have step by step photos right now, but this is how it would look like:

I'll add more photos when I make it next time, which will be very soon I suppose. So, lets get down to making it.

Disclaimer: this is not a food blog and neither am I a professional cook. So this means that I don't measure things much as I go along and my description is likely to be very amateurish.

Serves: 1 person

Ingredients:
1 cup pasta (of your choice)
1 tomato
1onion
1 teaspoon oil
basil (or you can add coriander in lesser quantities)
1 teaspoon cream
pepper
oregano seasoning

To boil the pasta:
 Put 2-3 cups of water to boil in a deep vessel. Add a teaspoon of salt and a little bit of oil to it. Once it starts boiling, add the pasta to it. Keep stirring it to keep it from sticking at the bottom. Once it pasta is soft enough, drain it in a pan filled with cold water. Drain the water and keep the pasta aside.

To make the sauce:
First make tomato and onion paste in a blender. Its better if you make them separately, but it tastes equally good even if they are blended together. In a pan, add one teaspoon of oil. Add the onion paste and saute it. Then add the tomato paste and cook for about 5 minutes. Add lemon pepper, oregano and other spices to it. I actually have a premixed pasta masala which makes my work easier :). Add 1 teaspoon of cream, this helps to bring down the spicy level. Keep cooking until the sauce thickens. Then add the boiled pasta in this sauce. Cook till the sauce has thickened and coated the pasta properly. Add a little bit of basil/coriander on top for garnishing. Enjoy!

Is it a compromise?

I know people shirk at the thought of arranged marriage. How can you just marry a stranger, they say. Well, that is partly true. That person does seem like a stranger because you haven't known him/her for a long time. But then, isn't that the case with everyone you've met? And there are cases where people have been in a relationship for years but have no idea about their partner's biggest vices.

I'm not advocating arranged marriage here, rather I'm trying to look at a way where it doesn't seem as creepy as it sounds. In my family, I have seen that everyone is autotuned to arranged marriage. Even if they have relationships in school and college, they conveniently break up and ask parents to look for a suitable match(from the same caste, of course). This has happened more than once. The trend is changing now, though. There are cousins who have chosen their own partners, and seem quite happy with their decision. I hope that trend continues, otherwise its going to be very difficult for our parents.

As for being in a relationship, it can start in different ways. Many people are friends for years, and then realise their feelings for each other. While there are many others who pursue(or have been pursued) by someone who has feelings for them, until they give in. It sounds like coercion, but actually it is a classic case of first being the friend in need, and then making the move when it seems right. In such cases, girls usually say yes, their argument being that they can't lose a friend. It sounds like I'm generalising here, but this is what I've seen in so many instances in school and in college.

So, once the girl says yes, they start dating. They slowly get to know more about each other and enjoy each other's company. Then they realise that they don't have much in common. Then what? If they are not really serious, they probably break up. Then there are people like me who can't imagine their life without the other. Does that mean it is a compromise?

Its definitely not. Its not like we don't have anything to talk about, but, when on the phone, I sometimes wish I could discuss the latest novel I have read, or the song I've heard, or the latest episode I've seen. To be fair, he has gone with me to see Harry Potter, which he knew nothing about. We seem like polar opposites, and yet there are similar interests when it comes to what we want from life. Looks like I'm thinking too much into this, and maybe its because of prolonged long distance. Now I know I need a break.

Its an uphill journey

When I was younger, about 10-11 years old, I could not wait to grow up and start earning. That was my ultimate dream (well that, many other things, which will be revealed later). I could not wait to be an adult. Not because of any issues, as many are prone to conclude, that type of lifestyle really charmed me.

Cut to about 12 years later, and I am living that dream, though not completely. I am earning and living by myself, but not the way I wanted to (and not the money I wanted to). There is so much more I could have achieved, but somewhere I lost my way. I'm picking up the pieces and still in the process of making my life, but it really is a very hard journey. There is still so much more left to do, but it seems like time is running out. A has always been a rock and stayed with me through thick and thin, always providing encouragement when I was low. In many ways, I am a lucky girl. Its just that the luck seems to be running out fast.

I can see the way out

I'm not happy, but I feel much, much better. I have finally made my decision, and I'm pretty sure I won't change it. There is a little tweaking to be done, so that things happen the way I want them to, but then we are set. It does not necessarily mean that I will be happy, but yes, it will be a step in the right direction.

In a limbo

Now is the second stage, which has always scared the hell out of me. But I have to face it anyways, and the good thing is that the first experience is not such an important one. Funny how priorities change so suddenly. One day I would be willing to take anything that came my way, only to discard it later as not too important.

I have to read so much in the coming days, which I have been putting off for months, citing some excuse or the other. The office seems like a different place altogether, more like a "I don't care about anyone anymore" type of scenario. I will be glad to be out of here, which will make me the happiest that I have been in years. Never anticipated these feelings when I joined here a year and a half ago. But this whole time has been a huge learning experience for me. Things that no one else could teach me in plain words. Things that I will never forget for the rest of my life.

Strangely enough, I feel very calm despite all the fear that is bubbling within. No panic (though I do lose it once in a while), and I feel much more confident than before. There isn't much to celebrate right now, everything looks like a compromise. But I still have hope. I don't know why but I can't let go off this feeling that something good is going to happen. Something that I have been waiting for; for a very long time. I can't remember the last time when I was crazy happy, and it is long overdue. 

So Let's Talk About The Result

After all the praying and hyperventilating, the results finally came, and I managed to open them at around 3:30am (yes, I could not sleep). So, were they any good? Its 98.47 percentile, which means I don't know. Definitely not good enough for the top colleges, goodbye to them now (I don't think I will be attempting CAT again). But there is still some hope, and I'm keeping as low expectations as possible. I won't post much about the admission process, until everything is final, so this blog may go silent for some more time (though I may come back to rant too, lets hope not).

4 Days Left

For the CAT results, that is. And in true student tradition, i'm having sleepless nights. I have totally forgotten what my exam was like. I'm trying to remember how I felt after the paper, and all I can remember is the feeling of relief. That CAT is finally over. As for the paper, I think its a close call, and they are the scariest. Last year I didn't make it by the smallest margin possible, and its ghosts still haunt me. I don't want that to happen again.

Pray for me, if you are reading this. I think this is the first time I have been so worked up about my results, maybe because I really want to get out of this situation that I am in. I want to start afresh, if such a thing is possible. I want to do things that I would enjoy doing, not wasting my time all day in front of a computer (like they make me do here). I wish I was working at a place where they would appreciate my work, instead of making it look like its my fault that I don't have any work. I'm not in a good situation, haven't been for a year. 2011 has been pretty crappy (so glad its over!), hope 2012 has some good news for me.

P.S. Its XAT tomorrow, and I haven't touched a book for the past 3 weeks, so I guess we know how it will go. But I really don't care.

P.P.S. If I don't post anything about my results in the next week, please assume that I have gone to the nearest water body and drowned myself. Or jumped off a building, whatever you please. Let's hope I don't come back with another sad poem.

Being Happy (and vice versa)

They say that happiness is a state of mind, and you can choose to be happy or unhappy. I believe that not everyone has such a high level of will power and usually we just let ourselves run away with our emotions. So its these emotions that control us, is it?

I don't know. All I know is that I don't want to be happy right now, and it feels like I will never be happy again. Its all blackness ahead, and I have come to the point where I stop feeling the pain anymore, failures fail to surprise me. And another thing, I just want to get out of this place. There, I said it. Feels like a huge weight has come off my chest. But the sadness still remains. It will stay with me as long as I stay here, and waste my time in front of the screen.

About all I expectations I had about my first job, this was something I definitely did not foresee. I never thought it would turn me into this useless, jobless, procrastinating vegetable. I won't say I was top of the class in college, but I wasn't close to the bottom either. Besides, too much of anything is bad, including free time (its actually the worst).

Trying to come out of this situation is like swimming upstream, where everything and everyone else would try to oppose you, and whatever you do would seem very stupid and pointless. But I'm trying. Not my best, but still trying. Maybe I will make it past this, and forget that such a situation ever existed (like so many times before). For that, the first thing I need is single minded focus on THE Goal, we'll worry about the rest later.